I don't always know what I want to write about, but there are times I just want to write. This is one of those times, I suppose, and this may end up being a ramble or something important, but i know only that I want to write.
So, here goes.
I have one follower- that's it, and I'm not sure she even reads this stuff when i post it. So, it isn't like I'm writing to an audience except for someone who may find the blog by accident.
My brother gets married at the end of the month, and in some ways i think i resent that a little bit. I'm the last of the siblings to be single, and the second oldest. this means that now, I'm either looked at as "aw, how sad he hasn't found someone yet" or "do you think he's... you know?"
The truth is far more complex, I guess. I've had a total of three real adult relationships since I was 23. Now, I've fallen for several women over that time. The girl who was in love with her boyfriend who one night called me to talk about if she should keep things going with him, and in my stupid honorable state I advised that if she loved him she needed to make sure whatever she did was the right decision (they've been married 6 years now, with a child), The woman who I fell hard for when I moved here, who'd been hurt before (figuratively and quite literally) who didn't want to deal with a "project" like I was at the time. (To be fair, I was a miserable wreck at the time.) The woman back home that flirted casually with me, and I back- that one was done the time I hung out with her and she spent more time looking at her phone than talking to me.
There are others, but real relationships? Three. All real, all physical and all in which the endings were very, very different.
Of the three, the most recent was the one I felt the worst about. She had fallen for me, hard. I had met her overseas, and the attraction turned into a physical and emotional relationship. I fell for her, sure. Pretty deep, in fact- but the truth of the situation was that after a few weeks I would be returning home and the probability of being with her again after I left was incredibly low.
So, after a couple months of the "long distance" attempt I decided I would call it off.
...
That was one of the most painful nights of my life, because I knew I was hurting this woman who didn't deserve pain. I had reinforced her fears about men, because I wasn't able to be a better person. I'm not proud of that, at all.
Before her was the married woman.
I'm not really proud of that one, at all. She and I had an emotional connection before anything. She was not a physically attractive woman, but her personality was enticing and the intellectual chemistry was there, big time. That went on for a couple months, before I told her that I couldn't go any further. In the parking lot at The Job, I told her that the reason I never had sex with her (this was true, we'd been physical but never fully went all the way) was because in my head, that was the line I couldn't cross with her while she was married. I told her I could be her friend, but I couldn't go beyond that at this point while there was someone else. She took it well, surprisingly.
before then was another girl from overseas- this one ended because of serious maturity issues on her part. Two trips over here, one during the holidays. That ended after she trashed the hospitality my family and friends had shown her, and her answer to that was "I'm sorry if you're upset."
She spent the rest of that trip in a hotel about 60 miles away.
Beyond that, I don't date. I have the built-in excuse of "Well, I work a lot and at night so that really cuts down on dating" but that's just an excuse. The truth is, it's tough being around people.
Let me be clear. I am far more sociable nowadays than I used to be. Compare me to a decade ago, and I'm a virtual gadfly. However, I still have trouble being around people. Put me in a situation where romantic possibility exists, and it's even worse.
It goes beyond being shy, really. It's as if i can't allow myself to be more open to someone else. If I'm friends with them, I am more open- but even then, I still put on an act to others. There are a very select few people to whom I am completely myself. The Inner Circle, as I refer to them. They're the closest people I have to me, and they're the ones who see the me that isn't "on."
Pylorns and Beerslinger are in the group. Collotype slowly became part of that, over time. I have a couple of friends back home that still qualify, and my grandmother is in that group too. beyond that, there are maybe one or two other people I could consider in The Inner Circle. Everyone else sees some level of an act- I put on a face for them so that there is less to worry about or deal with. After all, if i am always joking around them and always seem in a better place than i really am, it's less hassle from them.
Don't get me wrong- I'm not in any sort of horrible place. But I've reached the point where being alone now has an aspect of being lonely. That's somewhat new, and it sucks.
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I think I've reached the point in my life where I do want to have children, eventually.
That's very new, comparatively speaking. I didn't always want children, by any stretch. Children didn't hold any appeal to me as part of any sort of legacy, until a couple of years ago. Something changed though, around a couple of years ago. I was in a relationship, and had a pregnancy scare with the girl overseas. It ended up being just a scare, but when she told me she might be pregnant I found myself surprisingly serene with the idea, even somewhat okay with it. There would be tremendous challenges getting the family together, but if it happened we would make it work.
I think part of what turned that relationship downwards was when it turned out she wasn't pregnant and it was stress causing her problems. The loss of that possibility soured me a little bit.
the most surprising thing to me to come from that was how open i was to the idea of having a child with someone. I had always thought that I wasn't emotionally ready for such a thing, but the door seemed to be open now.
That's pretty cool to realize.
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In three weeks, I fly up to Wisconsin to take part in my brother's wedding. I'm going alone, which is a disappointment. In October, I officiate another wedding for Collotype and her fiancee. Collotype wants to set me up with her someone there, she says.
We'll see.
I'm of the belief that the future is going to be better than the present. Things aren't bad now per se, but things will get better. I have a better outlook on things than I used to, and that's a big start.
Out.
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