Geek Life, June 2014 Edition.

I make no bones about the fact that I am an unabashed geek. I revel in it, in point of fact. I know movie and pop culture trivia, I collect geeky things like nobody's business, and I delight in the things I find fascinating.

The latest manifestation of this?

I bought the Lego Ecto-1 release and spent two hours building it last Sunday, before a party of Smash Brothers and Cards Against Humanity with my girlfriend, her sister and numerous mutual friends.

The Lego car was a special release, submitted to Lego by a fan and approved for sale starting last Sunday. I showed up at the store within 10 minutes of it opening, only to learn that people had been waiting TWO HOURS before the store opened. Thankfully, Lego figured out that this would be, as Ron Burgundy put it, "kind of a big deal."

The car sits upon my entertainment center now, as part of what will be a complete tribute to my favorite comedy of all time that currently includes the original movie on Blu-Ray, 4 figures of the cast released with the car, and a 30th Anniversary commemorative poster from Thinkgeek. (Oh, and when the 30th Anniversary release/25th Anniversary "Ghostbusters 2" release comes out? All kinds of on top of that.)

This is one of my geek things. The best part is, I'm not alone. My girlfriend is a hardcore gamer. My best friend is the guy who got me into Wetwired back in the day. My closest friend here has a toy set that eclipses my own... barely.

My own escapades into geekdom aren't limited to that. My Blu-ray selection numbers in the hundreds, not to mention the DVDs. My computer is a gaming rig with multiple monitors to watch Big Brother during the summer. I have collector's edition Masterpiece Transformers and Star Trek Starships. For Chrissakes, there is a poster on my wall called "The 56 Geeks,' drawn by a web cartoonist whose podcasts are my favorite things to listen to weekly. And I'm still barely scratching the surface.

The greatest geek thing I have, though, is much simpler than that. I have the love of a geek gamer who, when she first walked into my apartment and saw the man-child I clearly showed myself to be, said "cool." She gets me, plain and simple.

We've already talked marriage, by the way. We're waiting for her to finish school at the end of next year, but we've already committed to each other. It's as close to an engagement as you can get without rings, I suppose - but it's one of the best things I have going for me at this point.

So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

Out.

There, But For The Grace...

For a while, I worried it could have been me.

 

Reading the articles and seeing the news of the Isla Vista shootings this past weekend, I first became enraged that some asshole had done the unthinkable - once again. As I continued to see the news and learned more about Elliot Rodger, I became sickened.

 

Here was a guy who had taken a lifetime of perceived rejection and crystalized it into a manifesto of hatred towards the women who'd told him no - and his rage that he had been rejected, that he'd deserved to get everything (and I use thing, given his views on women as things to be conquered) he'd wanted and his rather potent rage at not getting it. Here was a guy who decided to take this rage out on innocents, and in the process exposed himself as a severely sick man whose family had attempted to help him as best they could, but ultimately and unfortunately failed.

 

Here was someone who, save for chemical differences in the brain... could have been me.

 

At least, that's what I had thought at first.

 

 

..........................

 

 

I was a virgin until I was 25 - partly because of my own social discomforts, partly because I'd given up on really trying to get out there, and partly because I didn't feel worthy of anything real in a relationship with anyone, much less a sexual relationship with a woman. When you grow up overly critical of yourself and nearly crippled when it comes to self confidence, you make very easy excuses for why you haven't tried to have anything real with another person. It makes it easy to say that there must be SOME reason why you haven't found the right person yet.

 

The difference, it turns out, between myself and Elliot Rodgers is that Elliot placed the blame on a vast conspiracy of women who were united against him. I placed the blame on myself, and some perceived sense that I was not worthy of happiness with someone else.

 

For the longest time, I had the honest belief that I wasn't worthy of happiness. I thought that because of decisions I'd made in the past, I was going to be alone. It took many years of growth to get past this, and several stumbling blocks along the way.

 

One of those stumbling blocks was an awkward attempt to be "cute" that to this day, I regret heavily. A friend of mine, a woman whom I hold in high regard, was talking to me on Skype and I acted boorishly. She took it in stride, and even found a way to have her girlfriend (yes, you read that right - like I said, not proud of this one bit) eventually crack wise on me later on. I have apologized to her since, but every once in a while the memory of this sticks out in my head.

 

It came back up in my head again this weekend, with the #YesAllWomen hashtag being put out there on Twitter and the massive response it had. I read through some of these comments, feeling sickened for what women have had to deal with and concerned if I was a part of the problem, rather than growing to be a part of the solution. I eventually asked my girlfriend this morning if I ever treated her poorly. "No, you haven't." The response made me feel good, and we talked for several minutes about this and where my question had come from.

 

I feel confident that today, I can and do treat women with the respect they deserve - not as women, but as human beings trying to get through this world. I feel confident that at 35, I am a mature adult male who knows far better how to interact with others than I did at 22, but I also feel confident in the fact that it took a lot of growing up and some serious self-analysis to get me here. I had to learn how to treat myself better, and once I did I learned how to treat others better.

 

That was part of the difference. Now, I also realize that where someone like me and Elliot Rodger differ is that his brain was truly miswired. Rodger's mind was so warped by illness and misplaced rage that was channeled and crystallized that he found an excuse the kill. However, the main difference is that Rodgers felt that others considered him unworthy.

I thought that I was unworthy, despite what others told me.

 

 

..........................

 

 

I will never understand why people see the act of killing innocents as a viable option. I will never get who someone would see such a vast conspiracy without understanding that the only common element in everyone treating you poorly is, in fact, you. I will never understand why Elliot Rodger felt the act of killing 6 people and injuring more was the best option he had.

 

I suppose there's hope for me after all, if I can't understand any of that.

 

Out.

Out Of The Darkness, And Into The Light.

Writing has always been something of a warm blanket for me. It comforts, makes me feel whole and in general makes me happy. The desertion of this blog for the past 2.5 years notwithstanding, I've always enjoyed writing.

Now, as I am approaching the return to writing more personal works through this blog I suppose the question that must be asked is simply "why? Why get back into writing personal stuff, and why now?"

Well, it's kinda simple - I'm not in the same place I was the last time I decided to write something at all. The last time I wrote on this blog, I had just finished celebrating a beautiful event with two friends I hold dear - their wedding. I came away from that feeling wonderful for them, but terribly alone. Seeing them happy made me realize what I was missing, more than ever.

So, things have definitely changed - and assuredly, for the better. Thus, here's a short list of things I've done since then.

1 - I found the love of my life.

Okay, gotta start by not burying the lede. After the wedding, I got into dating online moreso than I had before. I had a few short relationships, two lasting a couple months each. One lady was nice, but things just didn't work out as lovers though we remain friends to this day.

The other... well, the less said about that the better. Let's just say that I've learned the fun of a breakup via text.

However, these did help because they helped me figure out what I WAS looking for in a partner. About six months after the bad breakup... I found it.

She's wonderful. She's the person whom I am most comfortable with, and vice-versa. I'm the person who she trusts to drive her anywhere, and we have spent more time together than apart. She's still a college student (though only a couple years younger than me - she went back to school) so we're waiting for her to finish college before we take the next step.

2 - I started writing for another website, and run a radio show for them.

So, this is where the bulk of my long-form writing has been dedicated. Now, the caveat?

It's for a reality show. Big Brother, in this case. It's also the most fun I've had writing in ages. I get to talk to other superfans, and my work is appreciated to boot. The radio show was a bit of a natural progression, and I went from "frequent caller" to "co-host" to "host" over the course of three years.

Those of you familiar with my previous podcasting work know I have no problem talking. This just happens to be about a topic I really enjoy, every week.

3 - I've been writing a FUCKTON of stuff on Facebook under my real name.

Yeah, no surprise there.

4 - I've built a few car models.

...

Next.

5 - I've been generally happier with myself and life.

This one's the one I'm most content with over the last couple years. To be at peace of late has been refreshing, frankly.

So, that's where I'm at right now. The questions of the beginning haven't been answered, though. Why get back into this at all, and why now?

Well... I think I've got something in the tank, and I have some things to say. I want to do so with the anonymity of this site, so that I can be a bit more protective of my real life and whatnot. With State of Mind, I can do exactly that.

So, consider this a refresh - a restart. I'll eventually archive/delete the old stuff, and start writing new stuff here. You may well see any number of topics covered here, and you may even see some fiction from time to time. I'm trying to stretch some muscles here that haven't been used in a while, and there will be stumbling blocks to overcome.

Still, if you'll have me then I'll take you along for the ride.

Welcome to the new State of Mind, In Exile.

Out.