And She Was There.

The reaction one can have to an experience can be surprising.

I mean, let's face it- most of us are pretty fucked up in some way, shape or form. The vast majority of us are pretty good at hiding that, but sometimes that way in which we're fucked up bubbles to the surface and exposes us for the human beings we actually are. For me, it was about 15 minutes ago.

Unsurprisingly, it was about a woman. The surprising part was for whom this happened, because I can safely say I hadn't thought about her in a long while.

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I went to an all-boys high school that was a block away from an all-girls school, the Academy. In my junior year, I had to go across the street for French III, as my school didn't offer the class. the first day, I found out two key things. First, was that French III was the exact same class as the French II I'd taken the year before. The second was that I was sitting next to Amy.

Amy was a brunette, short (though not too short) and slim with a dry sense of humor and a wicked beautiful pair of eyes. I quickly learned that Amy and I had similar senses of humor and often spent part of class simply talking to her about any number of topics. To say I developed a crush wouldn't be too far off base, as would be somewhat expected of any high school kid towards whom a cute girl shows any sort of attention.

I also learned about her boyfriend. Good guy, in my class back at the other school. Everything about him seemed pretty decent, which is why (as would develop later on as a clear pattern in life) I put aside my own feelings and buried them to ensure things would stay good.

After that year, Amy and I didn't see each other much. This wasn't surprising, either- we moved in different social circles, and while I was playing football and prepping for college she was living her own life. I saw her a few times while still in school, then at their graduation the day before my senior trip.

After that, I would see her two more times in my life. The first time was at a McDonald's back in Baton Rouge, in passing. By that point she was married to the high school sweetheart and expecting. I was happy to see her, wished her well and promptly didn't think about her for several years.

Until last night, that is.

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Last night was my 15th High School reunion. Much like the 10th, the reunion was held alongside the Academy's reunion. I had driven down from The OKC for this- what the hell else was I going to do in OK in August?

The week before the reunion, I was running ragged trying to get stuff done and see people while I was here. The night of the reunion itself, I showed up at the restaurant/bar that served as the hosts for the classes. Over the next two hours, I had a blast. I mean it, folks- I was able to let my hair down and have a good time with the folks I'd graduated with, and in the process reaffirmed the knowledge I'd gained at my 10th that I was apparently a LOT more popular in high school than I'd remembered.

Everything was going great, and then I saw her.

Amy looked the same as I'd seen her in high school- oh, there was some slight aging around the eyes but those eyes were still as beautiful as I'd remembered. She was alone, it seemed- I didn't see her husband anywhere in the room but she was still wearing a wedding ring. One must therefore assume that her availability was still listed as "not."

What surprised me at that moment was seeing her and realizing how big a crush I'd had on her before then. I always knew I had a thing for her back in the day, but I apparently wasn't aware of it until last night. After a few minutes I approached her. "Excuse me, aren't you Amy ###?"

She turned and smiled "Yes- oh, hey!"

She remembered me, despite the different look and passage of time. She told me about herself and her life- married still, couple of small kids, very happy. I told her about mine- single, living away, working for The Job.

And in that moment, for a brief moment in time- I wished I was a different person.

I wished I was someone who couldn't respect the relationship someone was in so that I could make my move. I wished I was a worse person than I really am, because had the opportunity presented itself and I was less of a person than I am I would have pursued something last night. I would have tried to make my move and the person I am now would have regretted it for the rest of his life had it ruined someone else's life.

We separated, and I didn't speak to her again that night. After another 40 minutes or so I left the reunion, partly because I was really tired but partly because I could feel the mood of the room changing. What had been a decent gathering and party was about to change, as the restaurant was opening its doors for other patrons and our exclusive group was about to be changed.

I said my goodbyes to a few people, and left. Making it back to my sister's place where I was staying for the week, I ended up crashing a couple hours later.

Cut to this morning, about 30 minutes ago. I woke up early, unsurprisingly. Laying in bed, a sudden feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me and I realized where it came from.



She'll never read this- no one that was there last night will, since they don't know about the blog. That being said, I had to get these thoughts out about the first real crush and what seeing her last night did for me.

So, what now?

I don't know, to be honest. I mean, clearly nothing will come of the encounter last night and nothing in her behavior towards me indicated anything other than a good life with her family. I guess now is when I take that regret and carry it with me, much as I have done with so many before now. It builds character, I've heard.

I think I'm tired of having so much character.

Out.