There, But For The Grace...

For a while, I worried it could have been me.

 

Reading the articles and seeing the news of the Isla Vista shootings this past weekend, I first became enraged that some asshole had done the unthinkable - once again. As I continued to see the news and learned more about Elliot Rodger, I became sickened.

 

Here was a guy who had taken a lifetime of perceived rejection and crystalized it into a manifesto of hatred towards the women who'd told him no - and his rage that he had been rejected, that he'd deserved to get everything (and I use thing, given his views on women as things to be conquered) he'd wanted and his rather potent rage at not getting it. Here was a guy who decided to take this rage out on innocents, and in the process exposed himself as a severely sick man whose family had attempted to help him as best they could, but ultimately and unfortunately failed.

 

Here was someone who, save for chemical differences in the brain... could have been me.

 

At least, that's what I had thought at first.

 

 

..........................

 

 

I was a virgin until I was 25 - partly because of my own social discomforts, partly because I'd given up on really trying to get out there, and partly because I didn't feel worthy of anything real in a relationship with anyone, much less a sexual relationship with a woman. When you grow up overly critical of yourself and nearly crippled when it comes to self confidence, you make very easy excuses for why you haven't tried to have anything real with another person. It makes it easy to say that there must be SOME reason why you haven't found the right person yet.

 

The difference, it turns out, between myself and Elliot Rodgers is that Elliot placed the blame on a vast conspiracy of women who were united against him. I placed the blame on myself, and some perceived sense that I was not worthy of happiness with someone else.

 

For the longest time, I had the honest belief that I wasn't worthy of happiness. I thought that because of decisions I'd made in the past, I was going to be alone. It took many years of growth to get past this, and several stumbling blocks along the way.

 

One of those stumbling blocks was an awkward attempt to be "cute" that to this day, I regret heavily. A friend of mine, a woman whom I hold in high regard, was talking to me on Skype and I acted boorishly. She took it in stride, and even found a way to have her girlfriend (yes, you read that right - like I said, not proud of this one bit) eventually crack wise on me later on. I have apologized to her since, but every once in a while the memory of this sticks out in my head.

 

It came back up in my head again this weekend, with the #YesAllWomen hashtag being put out there on Twitter and the massive response it had. I read through some of these comments, feeling sickened for what women have had to deal with and concerned if I was a part of the problem, rather than growing to be a part of the solution. I eventually asked my girlfriend this morning if I ever treated her poorly. "No, you haven't." The response made me feel good, and we talked for several minutes about this and where my question had come from.

 

I feel confident that today, I can and do treat women with the respect they deserve - not as women, but as human beings trying to get through this world. I feel confident that at 35, I am a mature adult male who knows far better how to interact with others than I did at 22, but I also feel confident in the fact that it took a lot of growing up and some serious self-analysis to get me here. I had to learn how to treat myself better, and once I did I learned how to treat others better.

 

That was part of the difference. Now, I also realize that where someone like me and Elliot Rodger differ is that his brain was truly miswired. Rodger's mind was so warped by illness and misplaced rage that was channeled and crystallized that he found an excuse the kill. However, the main difference is that Rodgers felt that others considered him unworthy.

I thought that I was unworthy, despite what others told me.

 

 

..........................

 

 

I will never understand why people see the act of killing innocents as a viable option. I will never get who someone would see such a vast conspiracy without understanding that the only common element in everyone treating you poorly is, in fact, you. I will never understand why Elliot Rodger felt the act of killing 6 people and injuring more was the best option he had.

 

I suppose there's hope for me after all, if I can't understand any of that.

 

Out.