Horrification.

I've known Tim since he started working at The Job. Nice guy.

VERY tall. I'm at six feet, and he towered over me any time we'd see each other in the office. Not only that, but the dude shaved his head and had a goatee. If you wanted the picture of "dude who could intimidate me physically," Tim's your man. And yet, Tim would be one of the nicest guys you'd meet.

Naturally, when he met me he thought I was a prick.

Fortunately, I changed his mind.

We'd gotten to know each other over the past 3-4 years and he told me about his life. He came from a construction background, knew enough about our industry to come in as a rep and rose in the ranks to become a rather well-respected guy. Easily likeable, seemed pretty stable.

A few minutes ago, I was informed he died this weekend from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

...


This post is partially my way of processing the news, and partly a way for me to confess to my complete and total inability to understand the concept of suicide.

I've suffered from depression at various times in my life, to the point where I've felt I couldn't go any lower. I've had some pretty dark thoughts come through my mind- but as soon as they have, the rational part of my brain would kick in. (It's an unfortunate effect of what I think is low-grade sociopathy, but I digress.) I would be unable to accept the illogic of taking one's own life. It just didn't seem sensible, rational or logical in any sense of the words.

And yes, I am well aware that none of those words enter into it. Suicide is the ultimate expression of the Id and Ego winning out over the Superego. It's the brain saying "I can no longer accept the possibility of being a person inhabiting this world."


Today is a world that is a little lesser. I'm heading into the office, to see if I can help with anything- it's what I do (which I think counteracts my more sociapathic tendencies, my willingness to help in times of pain) and all I can do. Since Tim wouldn't or couldn't accept help or life at the end, it's up to those he left behind to help and support each other.

It's all we can do.

Out.